From the Desk of a First Time Mother by Influencer, Holly Jean

Motherhood. It’s nothing like I ever expected. It is filled with a terrible exhaustion that is almost beyond the limits of sanity.

My baby, her behaviour changes. It changes more often than her diapers. I’ve barely had her for a few months now, and yet she already has more pattern than badminton. Today she loves sleeping in the baby wrap snuggled tightly against me, but tomorrow (especially in public for all to witness) she will scream murder and kick me in the ribs when I place her in it.

 

Poonamis are a real thing. And they are massively difficult to clean up. When she was a newborn, I used to always fasten her diapers loosely, because I think it’s more comfortable for her. Her poops were always small and easily contained within the confines of her baggy diaper. I wondered to myself, what’s the big deal about finding the most absorbent and high performance diapers?

 

What was this poonami phenomenon that mums talk about? Maybe I’m lucky, my baby is not like that. And then it happened. I lifted her out of her crib one morning and an extraordinary amount of slushy poop went plopping all over her crib and on the floor. I even stepped and almost slipped on it while rushing her to the bathroom. Her poonamis have not happened in public yet, but I do get a bit nervous taking her out (in her baby wrap some more!) when she hasn’t pooped for a few days.

 

I no longer enjoy my food. I used to be a real foodie. But since becoming a mother, I only eat one meal a day. Honestly, I’m so tired that I have no appetite. And also, even if I had the appetite, I wouldn’t be able to find the time to eat in between doing the laundry, ironing, making my husband’s lunches, washing milk bottles, feeding her, changing her diapers and the daily relaxing warm bath time (for her.. Not me! I can only have quick 3 minute showers  myself. And even that is interrupted several times with me running out dripping with soap, just to check that she’s okay). Usually it’s around noon time when I realise I haven’t even drank a drop of water yet for the day.

 

And when I do eat… I eat standing up. Carrying her in the baby wrap… actually not just standing… but rocking and bouncing, so she gets a good uninterrupted nap between her feeds. It is no wonder I slimmed down so fast post partum.

 

Motherhood takes a bit of practice. I remember how it used to be so daunting to go out of the house alone with my baby. The preparation time in order to go out was longer and more tiring than the outing itself!!! I thought to myself, OMG how do people do this?! So much effort just to leave the house with my baby for a short while! But it did get easier, and quite quickly too. Now I can get her ready, pack her diaper bag with all that she might need for the day, and leave the house in a non flustered manner. In fact, we both enjoy our outdoor adventures a lot.

 

I can no longer sit down at this desk and finish writing an article in one sitting. Totally not possible anymore. And I used to be so quick and efficient at my desk! Ask any of my editors in the past, they will agree that I can churn out drafts (and good ones ah!) like it was going out of fashion. And yet today, it has taken me disgustingly long to get to this paragraph. But here’s a peek at my view while I’m working right now.

 

Whenever my work is interrupted by her crying, her feeding, or just her needing some attention… when I stop trying to multi-task and just sit down to interact with my baby, her hearty laughter puts life right into perspective (she laughs much much much louder than one would expect from her tiny body and her young age). My baby is growing up, she’s growing up so fast.

 

My baby sleeps through the night (although, I don’t want to celebrate this just yet because remember, my baby also has more pattern than badminton, so who knows what tomorrow will bring). For now, it is me who is the one waking her up in the middle of the night for a feed. Sorry baby! Doctor’s orders because she still hasn’t made it to even 1 percentile on the weight charts yet. They say it can take up to a year or two for preemies to catch up. Still, she has come a long way from being a little 2 kilo baby. And every morning when she wakes up, she smiles so widely at me without fail. Hard to describe exactly but it’s the kind of smile which says she’s very glad that I’m a part of her life. I am her rock, her protector, her world. I am her mother.

 

 

So, like I said in the beginning. Motherhood. It’s nothing like I ever expected. It is filled with a special kind of love that is truly beyond the limits of this universe. I feel very privileged and yet very humbled by it.

Editor's note: Thank you for sharing your intimate experience as a first-time mother, Holly! Your lovely daughter, Myla is full of character and adorable to boot! Can't wait to watch her growing up years =) xoxo, Sample Store.